![[-]](https://www.horuset.com/images/igame/collapse.png "[-]")
29-04-2023, 11:30 PM
((originally posted by Jaxen Varn))
(OOC note - This is all a bit random and all over the place but thought it'd be a nice thing to start just to get a grip of his mental state and thoughts. If I can be arsed to update it at least. Put it up here for folks that happen to want a deek at it. Not available IC)
Entry 1
A holo recording activates displaying an image of Jaxen sitting on grass outside of the Horuset estate, knee up and arm draped over it as his back slouches over. He shuffles a little to get his bum comfy.
"Karkin hell...you know it's bad when you have to keep a diary just to keep yourself sane."
Jaxen smirks a bit, amused. Before coughing to clear his throat and continue...
"My introduction to Horuset has been...tiring. It's been a while since I had a good nights sleep, it's been-"
He pauses a moment, as if even he was ignorant of the answer.
"A very long time."
"With my family Imperial prisoners and myself forcefully thrust into the life of an Acolyte, adapting to fit my new environment has been taxing over the past year. I'm surrounded by the same people who enslaved me and I'm expected to bow and succumb to their every wish..."
Jaxen huffs mockingly and clenches his fist.
"Enemies...every one of them. All of my "peers". Nothing but inbred fools for me to step on to ascend. I will earn me and my family's freedom, even if it means going to the lengths of becoming a Sith."
"I'll work harder, better, faster than any of them. I'll act however I need, say whatever needs to be said, k-."
He stops once again, his previously lax posture tenses up, realizing what he's about to say.
"..Kill whoever needs to be killed, if I must. Then when I've earned my freedom I'll free my family too. My dad, mom, sister, everyone and we can be together again."
"Mom...she'd be proud. I'm not a bad person I'm just a survivor, they'd do the same in my position. I was gifted the chance to be more and I'm not wasting it."
Jaxen seems to stare into the distance, frowning just a little, as if even he didn't believe that she'd be proud.
Whatever. I've got essays to write and an archive to learn from I don't have time for this bloody diary.
He yanks himself towards the holo switching it off at the side. The recording ends.
Entry 1 - End
Entry 2
The holo flickers on once more, displaying Jaxen sitting on the grass once more with both knees up and his arms wrapped around them.
"Here I am again...
He exhales a bit
"I succeeded in impressing, at least I think. My essays, tasks and initiative has made me quite busy but allowed me to interact with my superiors a lot more than I anticipated. Sith Sarias, Lord Kalkoran, kriff even bloody Darth Horuset herself briefly...purely by coincidental meeting."
"I'll admit, the knowledge in the archives is rather fascinating, it made working that hard a lot easier. These Sith and their culture...-
He interrupts himself, shaking his head.
"Whatever. I'm just doing what I need to."
"Moving on. That Neophyte Sekker started to question me curiously the other day. But he asked something that's been weighing on my mind...he asked who I serve. Then had the nerve to ask if I served the Republic.
Jaxen scoffs and shifts a little in the grass.
"Why in the void would I like the Republic after what they did. Abandoning my sector on Corellia and leaving the residents to be captured and s-"
He stops, taking a breath
"No. I serve myself. Not those vermin in the Republic."
"I suppose the only thing else to address is that I have an idea that could help me greatly as an Acolyte...but it's somewhat risky. In the words of that Neophyte, to figure out what enemy and ally want alike is to figure out how to control them."
Jaxen reaches over and turns the holo off by the side.
Entry 2 - End
Entry 3
The holo flickers on and displays Jaxen once again, he sits cross legged both hands resting on his lap.
"Week three. Training and studying has increased and feels more natural. I've felt a surprising amount of inquisitiveness, asking questions on questions...the dark side, beasts, the code, sith history- hell even the ancient Sith Pantheon. I see now why people are so drawn to the Sith...they point out the flaws in the Jedi and galaxy. So many people blind with peace.
Jaxen waves his hand, stopping.
"I digress..."
"I've been anxious for the future recently. I need to overcome my Pureblood peers and Acolyte Trials if I want to prove myself fully worthy of Apprenticeship, yet still don't know who to set my eyes on for a possible master. Something I need to start thinking about if I wish to impress specific superiors."
"Hate - Another thing weighing on my mind. After learning force shock from Neophyte Sekker, Lord Kalkoran came over to observe and even gave the honor of some pointers. He was quite...blunt...when he said that my shock lacked a lot of power and that I needed to find not what angered me, but what I truly hate. What at the very core of my being, despises me enough to experience pure hate and to draw from that for power. Likewise, alongside Neophyte Sekker, advising on meditation and keeping my emotions constantly near the surface so that I can draw from them quicker in battle."
"The idea of true hate though is somewhat foreign, I'm not sure what to draw from. The Republic? My peers? My imagination? Of course this is not the only emotion, but a prime one for certain abilities like force shock. I-"
The young man pauses. Looking off into the distance as he speaks
"Corellia..that's it. The night my sector was ransacked by Imperial forces, the warfare, the inability to stop the events due to my own weakness. My family's idiocy for believing in the Republic to even start with- yes. The past. That is what I truly hate.
Hm. Food for thought.
Jaxen reaches over and presses the side of the holo, his flickering image disappearing.
Entry 3 - End
Entry 4
Once more the holo beams on revealing Jaxen leaning on the bark of a tree outside the Estate, sighing as he tightens the bandage wrapped around his three left hand fingers.
"To say a lot has happened would be an injustice.."
He looks off to the side - heavy bags resting underneath his eyes presumably from prolonged lack of rest.
"Schemes...politics...fights. Some, of course, instigated by yours truly.
He rolls his eyes
"Perhaps not with the desired outcome. Nevertheless, it's happened. Now I'm stuck, foes with Naile after manipulating him, working for multiple superiors in a clandestine manner, lacking behind my peers in terms of fighting capabilities and to top it off in a fake alliance with a Chiss. I swear, you could write a comedy novel with my acolytehood."
His nostrils flair, huffing a bit at the remark but continuing:
"The current Alpha is still being decided after our brawl. Yet the display was...rather eye-opening. I had multiple advantages and times to take a breather, yet my capabilities still couldn't match those around me. It seems my neglect of training has left me...weak."
"It's not acceptable. I should double my traini-"
The young lad shifts a moment; uncomfortable
"I'll do what I must. Though dealing with these idiots I have to talk to is proving an increasingly vexing deal. Apprentice Mal...Neophyte Sekker...all of them. Sitting in their petty positions thinking they can just use me, control me. All for their bloody rivalries and plots, pathetic! I could betray any one of them! I'm-"
He pauses with the realization he was raising his voice at this point. Jaxen tugs on his collar, before letting out a cough to clear his throat:
"They'll see, one day. For now though I need to keep training, impressing my superiors and making up for rather awkward conversations. I -will- be Sith."
The holo's light fades just as quickly as it appeared, leaving the air in which Jaxen's image had stood dark and empty.
Entry 4 - End
Entry 5
Jaxen's image flickered to visibility - sat this time in one of the beds of the estate medbay, kolto patches wrapped around certain areas of his body and his arm adorned in a sling. His gaze rests halfheartedly onto the holo, eyes changed from a calm blue to that of a more distinct hue of amber. He hesitated to speak, opening and closing his mouth for a second before eventually getting to it:
"I was...a fool."
"I treat Sith politics as a game, something I could quit if I just spun a particularly good web to escape on.."
His eyes narrow onto the holo. Lifting his head more seemed to reveal bandages wrapped around the underside of his eyes, seemingly something behind it was deeply wounded.
"And I have now paid a price because of it."
"All of it...training, schemes, I have become too cocky- too complacent. This is more than mere amusement and gambles, this is a way of life. One I have been careless of recently."
One of the various medbay droids stands off of the side of the holo, applying a fresh kolto patch to a patch of burned skin on his shoulder. Jaxen groans, eventually giving the droid a nod and returning his attention to the holo - an almost sorrowful expression on his face. Something similar to that of regret.
"I tried to escape it after that display Apprentice Horuset gave to us both...it shook me to my core. Such a calm aura exploding into such...fire."
Jaxens gaze mixes with both that of anger and fear, recollecting both events.
"I went to go meet with Neophyte Sekker...tell him I was leaving his control and-.."
Jaxen lifts the one unbroken arm to meet his mouth, chewing a bit on the nail on his thumb almost anxiously. The cloth on that arm would seemingly be ripped, displaying purple bruises across it.
"He showed me just how dangerous the life of Sith politics is...and likewise how truly weak I am. Left broken and forced to crawl should I wish to survive...so I did. Driven by the anger for...-him-"
He seems to almost spit those last words, spite clearly in them.
His gaze once more turns, displaying a deep stare into the holo projector.
"I am not Sith yet, nor was I worthy of calling myself someone who will be Sith. But I have fought to keep myself alive...and I will not waste this chance. I will be better. With every failure is a lesson and with this one I will temper myself from being the brat I was to that of a man who's chains are broken."
He leans back on the bed a moment
"It's about time I stopped my insolence."
"I will become something better than that. I will be Sith."
The holo flickers off, it's light fading into that of nothingness.
Entry 5 - End
(OOC note - This is all a bit random and all over the place but thought it'd be a nice thing to start just to get a grip of his mental state and thoughts. If I can be arsed to update it at least. Put it up here for folks that happen to want a deek at it. Not available IC)
Entry 1
A holo recording activates displaying an image of Jaxen sitting on grass outside of the Horuset estate, knee up and arm draped over it as his back slouches over. He shuffles a little to get his bum comfy.
"Karkin hell...you know it's bad when you have to keep a diary just to keep yourself sane."
Jaxen smirks a bit, amused. Before coughing to clear his throat and continue...
"My introduction to Horuset has been...tiring. It's been a while since I had a good nights sleep, it's been-"
He pauses a moment, as if even he was ignorant of the answer.
"A very long time."
"With my family Imperial prisoners and myself forcefully thrust into the life of an Acolyte, adapting to fit my new environment has been taxing over the past year. I'm surrounded by the same people who enslaved me and I'm expected to bow and succumb to their every wish..."
Jaxen huffs mockingly and clenches his fist.
"Enemies...every one of them. All of my "peers". Nothing but inbred fools for me to step on to ascend. I will earn me and my family's freedom, even if it means going to the lengths of becoming a Sith."
"I'll work harder, better, faster than any of them. I'll act however I need, say whatever needs to be said, k-."
He stops once again, his previously lax posture tenses up, realizing what he's about to say.
"..Kill whoever needs to be killed, if I must. Then when I've earned my freedom I'll free my family too. My dad, mom, sister, everyone and we can be together again."
"Mom...she'd be proud. I'm not a bad person I'm just a survivor, they'd do the same in my position. I was gifted the chance to be more and I'm not wasting it."
Jaxen seems to stare into the distance, frowning just a little, as if even he didn't believe that she'd be proud.
Whatever. I've got essays to write and an archive to learn from I don't have time for this bloody diary.
He yanks himself towards the holo switching it off at the side. The recording ends.
Entry 1 - End
Entry 2
The holo flickers on once more, displaying Jaxen sitting on the grass once more with both knees up and his arms wrapped around them.
"Here I am again...
He exhales a bit
"I succeeded in impressing, at least I think. My essays, tasks and initiative has made me quite busy but allowed me to interact with my superiors a lot more than I anticipated. Sith Sarias, Lord Kalkoran, kriff even bloody Darth Horuset herself briefly...purely by coincidental meeting."
"I'll admit, the knowledge in the archives is rather fascinating, it made working that hard a lot easier. These Sith and their culture...-
He interrupts himself, shaking his head.
"Whatever. I'm just doing what I need to."
"Moving on. That Neophyte Sekker started to question me curiously the other day. But he asked something that's been weighing on my mind...he asked who I serve. Then had the nerve to ask if I served the Republic.
Jaxen scoffs and shifts a little in the grass.
"Why in the void would I like the Republic after what they did. Abandoning my sector on Corellia and leaving the residents to be captured and s-"
He stops, taking a breath
"No. I serve myself. Not those vermin in the Republic."
"I suppose the only thing else to address is that I have an idea that could help me greatly as an Acolyte...but it's somewhat risky. In the words of that Neophyte, to figure out what enemy and ally want alike is to figure out how to control them."
Jaxen reaches over and turns the holo off by the side.
Entry 2 - End
Entry 3
The holo flickers on and displays Jaxen once again, he sits cross legged both hands resting on his lap.
"Week three. Training and studying has increased and feels more natural. I've felt a surprising amount of inquisitiveness, asking questions on questions...the dark side, beasts, the code, sith history- hell even the ancient Sith Pantheon. I see now why people are so drawn to the Sith...they point out the flaws in the Jedi and galaxy. So many people blind with peace.
Jaxen waves his hand, stopping.
"I digress..."
"I've been anxious for the future recently. I need to overcome my Pureblood peers and Acolyte Trials if I want to prove myself fully worthy of Apprenticeship, yet still don't know who to set my eyes on for a possible master. Something I need to start thinking about if I wish to impress specific superiors."
"Hate - Another thing weighing on my mind. After learning force shock from Neophyte Sekker, Lord Kalkoran came over to observe and even gave the honor of some pointers. He was quite...blunt...when he said that my shock lacked a lot of power and that I needed to find not what angered me, but what I truly hate. What at the very core of my being, despises me enough to experience pure hate and to draw from that for power. Likewise, alongside Neophyte Sekker, advising on meditation and keeping my emotions constantly near the surface so that I can draw from them quicker in battle."
"The idea of true hate though is somewhat foreign, I'm not sure what to draw from. The Republic? My peers? My imagination? Of course this is not the only emotion, but a prime one for certain abilities like force shock. I-"
The young man pauses. Looking off into the distance as he speaks
"Corellia..that's it. The night my sector was ransacked by Imperial forces, the warfare, the inability to stop the events due to my own weakness. My family's idiocy for believing in the Republic to even start with- yes. The past. That is what I truly hate.
Hm. Food for thought.
Jaxen reaches over and presses the side of the holo, his flickering image disappearing.
Entry 3 - End
Entry 4
Once more the holo beams on revealing Jaxen leaning on the bark of a tree outside the Estate, sighing as he tightens the bandage wrapped around his three left hand fingers.
"To say a lot has happened would be an injustice.."
He looks off to the side - heavy bags resting underneath his eyes presumably from prolonged lack of rest.
"Schemes...politics...fights. Some, of course, instigated by yours truly.
He rolls his eyes
"Perhaps not with the desired outcome. Nevertheless, it's happened. Now I'm stuck, foes with Naile after manipulating him, working for multiple superiors in a clandestine manner, lacking behind my peers in terms of fighting capabilities and to top it off in a fake alliance with a Chiss. I swear, you could write a comedy novel with my acolytehood."
His nostrils flair, huffing a bit at the remark but continuing:
"The current Alpha is still being decided after our brawl. Yet the display was...rather eye-opening. I had multiple advantages and times to take a breather, yet my capabilities still couldn't match those around me. It seems my neglect of training has left me...weak."
"It's not acceptable. I should double my traini-"
The young lad shifts a moment; uncomfortable
"I'll do what I must. Though dealing with these idiots I have to talk to is proving an increasingly vexing deal. Apprentice Mal...Neophyte Sekker...all of them. Sitting in their petty positions thinking they can just use me, control me. All for their bloody rivalries and plots, pathetic! I could betray any one of them! I'm-"
He pauses with the realization he was raising his voice at this point. Jaxen tugs on his collar, before letting out a cough to clear his throat:
"They'll see, one day. For now though I need to keep training, impressing my superiors and making up for rather awkward conversations. I -will- be Sith."
The holo's light fades just as quickly as it appeared, leaving the air in which Jaxen's image had stood dark and empty.
Entry 4 - End
Entry 5
Jaxen's image flickered to visibility - sat this time in one of the beds of the estate medbay, kolto patches wrapped around certain areas of his body and his arm adorned in a sling. His gaze rests halfheartedly onto the holo, eyes changed from a calm blue to that of a more distinct hue of amber. He hesitated to speak, opening and closing his mouth for a second before eventually getting to it:
"I was...a fool."
"I treat Sith politics as a game, something I could quit if I just spun a particularly good web to escape on.."
His eyes narrow onto the holo. Lifting his head more seemed to reveal bandages wrapped around the underside of his eyes, seemingly something behind it was deeply wounded.
"And I have now paid a price because of it."
"All of it...training, schemes, I have become too cocky- too complacent. This is more than mere amusement and gambles, this is a way of life. One I have been careless of recently."
One of the various medbay droids stands off of the side of the holo, applying a fresh kolto patch to a patch of burned skin on his shoulder. Jaxen groans, eventually giving the droid a nod and returning his attention to the holo - an almost sorrowful expression on his face. Something similar to that of regret.
"I tried to escape it after that display Apprentice Horuset gave to us both...it shook me to my core. Such a calm aura exploding into such...fire."
Jaxens gaze mixes with both that of anger and fear, recollecting both events.
"I went to go meet with Neophyte Sekker...tell him I was leaving his control and-.."
Jaxen lifts the one unbroken arm to meet his mouth, chewing a bit on the nail on his thumb almost anxiously. The cloth on that arm would seemingly be ripped, displaying purple bruises across it.
"He showed me just how dangerous the life of Sith politics is...and likewise how truly weak I am. Left broken and forced to crawl should I wish to survive...so I did. Driven by the anger for...-him-"
He seems to almost spit those last words, spite clearly in them.
His gaze once more turns, displaying a deep stare into the holo projector.
"I am not Sith yet, nor was I worthy of calling myself someone who will be Sith. But I have fought to keep myself alive...and I will not waste this chance. I will be better. With every failure is a lesson and with this one I will temper myself from being the brat I was to that of a man who's chains are broken."
He leans back on the bed a moment
"It's about time I stopped my insolence."
"I will become something better than that. I will be Sith."
The holo flickers off, it's light fading into that of nothingness.
Entry 5 - End
