Zartilda's Journal (And Assorted Tales)

[Theprettiestorc]

Journal 2: From The Beginning

I guess I'm doing this like an essay. Wow that's awful contrast, I get the black and red theme but maybe not for reading. I'll leave it and see how I feel later. Read back what I wrote last night and that was... eh.

So, I was born a twin. Just like. Minutiae of difference in time, with my older sister Zolluxara being first. Oldest of what would grow into a bigger family, to Lord Zaruna Reshnel and Lord Chadzick Varrixon. Were they Lords then? I don't think I even remember, and I guess it doesn't matter because they're both passed. It was a couple years before they had Dizexa, celebrated with Zarrett, then it was a bit of wait for Xelan and longer for Zebinna, bringing up the rear. I think there were a couple miscarriages after, and my dad brought home Zeon to clear the air on that.

Mom was always insistent on our learnings. She was big, dad was big... both of them bigger than me and Zoll, both with big Massassi lines. She took on more work closer to home though, working with the IRS on Korriban while he did bigger things with the war at large. She used to kick the asses of both me and Zoll with a staff, at the same time, but she also ensured we were proper ladies, that we could dance, socialize, write. I remember her teaching me at how life was like a masquerade, and you sometimes hid the troubles so you could still have a pretty face throughout.

There were troubles though, weren't there? I had my learning problem, and Zebinna got the same. Dizexa had her blood thing where any smack could cause bad bruising, but that just made her want to learn medical. Xelan was considered a "late bloomer" on her Force Sensitivity, but even now, she can barely lift a glass. Zarrett is... Zarrett, I guess, my dad always thought it was because he was raised around so many women but he's good. I hate to see how he'll change.

I'm avoiding talking about Zoll. Zoll was perfect. She was the big sister, she was definitely the oldest. All I can really think of is how she died, but she was bold, ambitious. It was like she barely felt pain, too. Ah, the nerve endings - high pain tolerance. The one flaw among us that actually seemed beneficial. She was Sith before any of us could think about it, just telling us how to deal with things, being strong, not so much empathy. She knew what we'd have to do.

I killed her.

I was pissed at the time. My dad came home from fighting with Zakuul, and he was so much older for it, hurt. Kept telling us our mom died bravely, but it was a white lie, like a poison. I was angry, confused, young. Zoll and I had a fight, and I got so pissed, I was. Strangling her. Died with my hands around her throat, after open combat. My father put on his mask, called it a Rite of Sacrifice, sent me to the Academy because I was close to age. I think he couldn't face me. I couldn't face me. It's a blur to think of now, but there were days when I didn't know if I was the right or wrong twin, we were bonded.

If I have to analyze myself, I guess... it's hard to write of her because we were so close. Like a mind and a half between two bodies, covering for each others weaknesses. She didn't empathize well, so I learned to. She was always aggressive, so I was on guard, covering her. We were two halves of a better. Calling that a Rite, then, is probably pretty accurate, because those strengths came together in a way.

"I never noticed you have my eyes", he told me. My saber in his chest, another Rite of Sacrifice. More recent, but he laughed at the end. Did he find absolution with the gods he taught us of? Or was he elated that I was making it through the pain? He slept for a long time, waiting for it, and I gave him a warrior's death. I laid him next to my mother, a Varrixon in the Reshnel tomb. Maybe improper, but they belonged together. Complimented each other like me and Zoll.

I should probably bookend this before I get too far off track. Sent to Academy after the big event, okay. Do I sign this off? How do I sign this to myself? Eh.