Memoirs and Recollection of a Fractured Heart - Sovernus Nova

[Lord Iezkon]

Entry #4 of Horuset Chronicles: 

A Moment of Self Reflection

***A collection of unorganized thoughts and self-contemplation regarding one’s identity and the Light Side of the Force. ***

My emotions seem to be compromised.

It has been several months since I last saw Zena Vici, beyond the parameters of my comfort. Her disappearance instills an aching sensation within the halls of my fragmented mind and stirs a recurring uneasiness in my fractured heart. As new faces are introduced into the domain of the acolytes, so glaringly does it become a reminder of her absence.

I recount the records of her departure, seemingly inconspicuous in a shuttle with Kaas City as its destination. My initial assumption was that she merely returned to her new furnished apartment, but after thorough examination there were no traces to be found. Even more concerning, the shuttle was reported to be missing.

While disappearances are not unusual, this strikes to me as something personal. Losing my childhood friend in such a vague manner is unsettling. I can only hope that she is alive, somewhere out there...But my rationality says otherwise.

I’ve lost countless friends and loved ones since traversing such a daunting path, regretfully the one that mattered most was lost due to my own hands. I vehemently feared such an event to ever occur again, hence my unhealthy obsession with absolute power.

Yet how was I to intercept such an occurrence? Foresight may have been the key. But now is not the time to dwell on precognitions nor premonitions. To think about the future is to neglect the present. And right now…Her absence has torn another hole. A gap no doubt he will exploit.

He remains dormant within the prison of my mind. Yet I feel his presence crawling through the framework, searching without rest to claim his salvation. Desperate to undo me and dethrone the authority I claim on my identity. Each loss I’ve sustained, he becomes one step closer to usurping the throne of consciousness. I remain vigilant of his endeavors, as I fear unleashing him into the world.

Perhaps relinquishing all attachments is the key, to create distance with others as to prevent the emotional backlashes. To become detached and uncompromisingly apathetic. To vilify attachments as a burden and to deny the emotional rupture it brings…Yet this seems reminiscent to the Jedi ways.

I was never one to glorify the Dark Side simply due to innate bloodlust of torrential feelings. It was based on cold rationality – an awareness of a universal law that remains constant in an ever-changing paradigm. Though often I question the existence of the duality of the Force. For we often proclaim the sanctity of the Dark Side’s truth, yet we acknowledge the existence of the Light Side. Perhaps… There is knowledge to be gained from the Jedi…

…Heresy will no doubt be the death of me. For the questions within my mind requires answering, regardless of where the source derives from… I am reminded of a meeting in my early youth with Jedi Master Valensis Karr who spoke of my inquisitive nature.

“You possess a gift of vastness in your mind. Be mindful of where your curiosity will lead you, young one.”

Perhaps she hoped that I would be a Jedi one day and envision my propensity to disregard the nature of the source of knowledge to tempt me into traversing towards the Dark Side.

But the opposite is equally true. Knowledge is knowledge, regardless of its forbidden nature. One can only hope to reconcile its flaws and find it compatible with us.

I am accursed with everlasting dilemmas, as often I find myself situated amidst the center of the storm. One single step in either direction causes its intensity to propel me back to the embrace of inner struggle.

This is the heart of my weakness, or to be precise—my weakness is the heart. For all my prodigious skills and talents, I am thwarted by the frailness of my convictions.

Am I genetically flawed? The culmination of millennias worth of Arkanian purity, meticulously planned to produce the perfect specimen of evolution…For that individual destined for perfection to face the mortality of his flawlessness.

The imperfection of the heart did not arise from my father Lord Azarain Nova, of that I have no doubts. Despite my utter hatred for him, he is the pinnacle of uncompromising ruthlessness, unassailable will and above all methodically peerless. In many ways, my existence pales in comparison to him when he was my age, it is no wonder he is referred to as “The Visionary”.

In the process of elimination, all that remains is my mother…

My mother…I never knew who she was. Only through holo-recordings do I see her radiance. Her elegance was boundless, and often I witness the effect of her presence emanate warmth, tugging on the heartstrings of all those fortunate to have met her. From ranging media sources, she was always described as unfathomably altruistic and charitably kind. Often, she was the center of attention, as if the whole galaxy would see to it that she smiles, if only to feel her warm exuberance…

Perhaps…I inherited my mother’s heart…

….I am torn from this unrelenting conflict. He feeds off inner turmoil, desperate to unleash its catatonic wrath. Many nights I feel his primal savagery torturing my nerves into submission, evoking an unnatural affinity to the Dark Side, claiming more and more territory whilst I drift into sleep. I fear losing myself during such a vulnerable state, only to awake as him the next day…

Grandfather…What would you do in my stead?

One should never forsake one’s autonomy in exchange for power, that much is clear. Yet I fear I am fighting a losing battle…I can only hope the process of conversion is not hastened.

I must find answers. Where no Sith in their right mind would dare to explore.

Beyond the darkness. Into the light.