[IC] Elena's Holodiary

[Theprettiestorc]

Log 21

Silence. It carries on for a little bit, just the rain pattering on branches and leaves around her. Finally, a long, shuddering breath, and an angry voice. Changed, just a little. "... the Dark Lord. The Envoy of Purity, the Envoy of Imperialism, the aspiring Blademaster Vaenra. Vyrinne, Valeus, Khatatas, Rendvir. I can excuse Valeus for being a snot, Khatatas for just wanting to test. The Envoy of Purity maintains a standard, and the Dark Lord doesn't care. Vyrinne has to follow her master, and Vaenra is as a spoiled child. But Rendvir... he remained, and then left me. Even when I supported him, even..."

"... they all left me to die. I should never have gone to Korriban to follow a bunch of Purebloods around, but the tomb was collapsing, and I was... in no state to help myself. I barely remember picking myself up, running blind, tripping over obstructions and slamming into walls with Augmented speed. Voices in my head, the Dark Side clouding my Sight... they all left me to die, and I cannot fathom it. It would take no time at all - at the very least, I am an investment. But really, I know the truth... partially."

"If I were a Pureblood, they likely would have done the same, but for culling weakness. Yet I am not, and so they did it because I am an Alien. They coddle, they elevate their own people above others in this mindset - give every opportunity to the Purebloods if they will just take it, while I have to learn what Whisps are secondhand, or Tomb Guardians. Sorcery chewing past any mental Barriers I could muster. But I am an Alien."

"No matter what accomplishments I perform, no matter how far I go, I will always be an Alien. In this Purist Household, they are not my comrades on the battlefield. They are not my allies. I am just there, and they are waiting for me to die, or mess up, so they don't have to sully their hands. I could become a Darth, and I would still be an Alien. I'm sick of it, I'm sick of the blindness they all have. They all have eyes, but they do not see what they are doing."

A pause, and a deep breath. "... case one. Valeus Horuset. Had to earn his name, he states, and went through the Acolyte trials while just barely being an Acolyte. Passed through scheming and ganging up, and then tried to overstep authority. All the opportunities given, and he became a spoiled brat, despite his word, used to getting his way and backing it with violence. He taught me to use Shock, and I have no regrets for turning him in to the Envoy of Purity - he has no humility, knows no respect for anyone. He should never have been an Apprentice, as purely weak as he truly is. Skipping all of his lessons for dalliances, scheming when he could be improving himself."

"Case two, Serexil Ashana. Spoiled, spoiled, spoiled rotten. Knowing only authority and having slaves, without knowing adversity truly. She is a petulant child, always wanting her way because she is Pureblood. Nobody cares about your race on the battlefield - they will shoot you, and kill you, all the same. She had too much privilege, and it ruined her, and I will never trust her at my back because she would just as likely stab me for insulting her hair one time a month ago, or some stupid slight."

"Case three... Vaenra Horuset. She has been an Apprentice for a long time, from what I gather, and is an instructor, but she puts only half of her heart into it. No imagination, no heart, and unproving of being able to take Apprentices herself, from my judgement. If I were to become a Sith before she ever could, it would only be poetic. Everything given to her, and now that she has to work, she is lazy."

"They are breeding weakness in their treatment. They might challenge the Purebloods, but in attitude, they elevate them, put them on a pedestal. They grow up, hearing that they are the best, and they think that it will always remain so without work. So they turn to schemes, conniving, backstabbing, to fill in. Like a parasite eating away at their potential. They treat the Aliens with contempt, beat them, shove them around, punish them, when all they are doing is truly challenging those who survive. With each injury, each trial, I am going through every adversity, and eventually, this will all kill me. It is as if Life itself is against me."

One more deep breath. "... I have an added purpose now. A litmus test. There are Acolytes that wish to fight me, prove their racial superiority - well, I will prove to them that it means nothing to be someone if you do not have the heart to back it up. These Purebloods wish to scheme against me? I will deal every injury I have been given tenfold. I will send these Acolytes to the Medbay as I have been, break bones, Shock them into submission, until they truly learn that they are weak."

"I can never be at Peace - it is a lie, forevermore. There is only my Passion, my defiance, every day more I live in the face of all that is thrown at me. This is my Strength, for I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain, as I have said before. This leads me to Power, that I will take and snatch, every small scrap, like the rodent I am, lurking for the crumbs. And I will use every gift bestowed to achieve Victory, each one adding up, every single Chain holding me down breaking. Philosophies of others, expectations of failure, can absolutely go to hell, because I will not lay down and die. I refuse to be stopped, and should I die, it will be kicking and screaming. This is my Freedom, my place in the Force - a tide of emotions, a slave that should not be alive, an Acolyte that will not just be forgotten."

"I am Elena Vee. I am Suwahnee, I am the Rock. Especially Rock... causing ripples where I move in this flow, affecting and affronting by mere presence alone. They acknowledge me constantly now, even if to show disgust, and by that, I gain Power. I am watched, and I show that I know my place. But that place will shift. Even as that tomb took a piece of me, so do I fill that in with my malice, my anger, my indignation, for this entire Powerbase and what it stands for. I will never be one of them, no matter what rank I achieve."

"... but war is hell. I will remember, when one of them may drown, and it will be a day indeed. I cannot say what I will do - I may be all talk and bluster, now. But I am learning whom I cannot trust to have even a shred of thought for the consequences of their actions. I am still alive, when I shouldn't be. And the next time may kill me. But..." The anger is dying. "... yesterday, I would have said I would drag any of them out were situations reversed, and never mention it, to let them save face. If that's a weakness, it's been officially left behind. I had hoped I would never be a person who would consider letting someone senselessly die, but here I am."

It's a long bit, but she finally has a song. Almost a bit of a chant.

"Lies, every time they ask me, I just tell them that I'm fine...
Try to hide my demons but they only multiply...
Keep me running from the voices on repeat inside my mind..."

"... everybody fucking hates me..." A somber note to end the recording on, the most vocal she's been.

[Theprettiestorc]

Log 22

"... interestingly enough, despite my predictions, Apprentice Vaenra is now Sith Mitina, Blademaster." Starting off on an introspective note, the sound of a waterfall nearby, Elena's voice is calm once more. "With our flagship, Th'Asidra, operational, perhaps it's a move to consolidate power, solidify the Conservancy in order to ensure we are ready for war and assault. I don't know much of the politics of the house, but I am coming to learn more of them as I immerse myself."

"I am learning that I am not powerful. Not nearly enough to have any opinions of my own, and not likely in the future, if I make it to Apprentice. With the rate people are moving against me, now, I can only speculate, but... I reap the consequences of my actions. I was moody with a Neophyte teaching Jar'kai, and was required to fight Sith Tarati. It was overwhelmingly difficult on its own, although I got off a single Push... at the cost of losing both of my blades. I was subsequently subjected to Grip and Lightning, and tossed aside... and following poor words toward the Neophyte again, subjected to more Lightning and a brutal beating."

"I later apologized, humbling myself, but it seems she is not satisfied, for I hear whispers that she sends people against me. Apprentice Zeldris... a rather brutal fighter, who seems to now hold a grudge against me for our Makashi bout, and my shielding of Acolyte Tesper from his temper. There is only more fuel on the fire, and a confrontation is inevitable. I... must remain neutral, as much as possible, take the punishment." A deep sigh from her. "Will that satisfy anyone? No. Will there be more excuses to bring such treatment against me again? Most likely. Truly, I am powerless."

There's an introspective sound, during her pause, as if something comes to mind. "It was submitted over a week ago, but I was finally able to listen to a report by Acolyte Somuz. I hate to say he has a grievous misunderstanding about the whole fight, but I seek not to correct him - if he believes I performed tactics differently than what I did, and went down easily, then it will surprise him all the more when we inevitably fight, as well, although I would have to stay uninjured for more than two days to do so. Still, he had an intense fight against Neophyte Valeus, which... is interesting, I suppose, but things are being proven still."

"Speaking of injury, there was another Operation, taking out an overwhelming number of 'Mercenaries'. They were mostly... civilians, really, disenfranchised. A few weren't even holding their blasters properly. By sheer numbers and coordinated tactic of their leader, I lost a part of my right ear, and was shot in the leg. Apprentice Kaidar was hit quite a few times by bolts, but he will be alright as well. He seems to suffer from my same condition of living inside the Medical Bay, and..." Elena trails off, now, leaving her thought incomplete. Instead, she hums.

"Time can never mend
The careless whispers of a good friend...

To the heart and mind,
Ignorance is kind:
There's no comfort in the truth,

Pain is all you'll find..."

There's a whistling, now, something she hasn't done before, but it serves in place of words after the end, creating a somber melody.

[Theprettiestorc]

Log 23

"... Failure. That's what's on my head, from what I'm told. If I had never heard it, I would only know a scar, but no, I have been ordered to show it off, to not cover it in any way, so everyone can see."

A choked sound. "I... cannot do this. All I am is just... another Alien. An excuse to be culled and gain favor. Another expendable body. A tool. There is nothing to be gained from spite. I will never amount to a Sith when I am only expected to die. I will not be allowed, no matter how skilled I become, no matter how much effort or hard work I put in, to have any freedoms. I am fooling myself."

"I am still a slave. Moreso than ever before. So how can I ever become what I'm not, when the biggest chain I have is the fact that I was born an Alien? I cannot break that, I cannot change it. It will always weigh me down, until I sink into the mire of madness, or die."

"... three times should I be dead. When I used the Force to save myself, and was taken as an Acolyte on Korriban. When I was left to die in a Korribani tomb. When I was impaled, just recently, once again. It all comes back to there - I was meant to die in the first place, should have let myself be strangled and Shocked to death."

There's a long two minutes of silence, just... broken breathing.

"I must fix this. Everything will be better for it - all my life does is suffer, bring suffering. There is no point to living if all I can do is die. So I will do it on my terms. And I don't feel anyone will ever listen to this - I will just be another failure, a bit of paperwork."

"... I'm sorry." The last two words are an afterthought, a shift in tone. And the recording cuts off, for the first time, without any song.

[Theprettiestorc]

**As of the moment, these logs are on record following the expiration of the Acolyte in question.**