[IC] Evelyn's Holo Diary

[Evelyn Ghûl]

The holo came flickering to life, showing a young woman clothed in armour. A long braid lay over her right shoulder. Those that were familiar with the woman knew the braid had a deep red colour. She was leaning forwards, seemingly studying a device in front of her. Being so close made her facial features clearly visible. She had a frown on her face while she peered at the recording device with her light coloured eyes. Once she realised the recording had started she quickly settled back into the chair she was sitting in. She wiped a loose strand of her hair out of her face and she cleared her throat.

“Right… Why am I doing this again…”

She let out a small sigh, and she was clearly thinking about the words she was going to say. She looked down for a brief moment, inhaled deeply and began to speak with a soft voice.

“I… I suppose before I delve into this, I should explain what happened. It would not make sense otherwise. I met the love of my life. And I let her slip through my fingers. I had her. She was mine. After months of agony she finally told me that she loved her. But I thought that I could get more, I was presented with a political union that would strengthen me. It was all a lie told by him, and I dealt with it. I ended it and I ensured he knew exactly what I thought of him. But that is a story for another time.”

Evelyn paused for a moment. Her expression had changed during her last few sentences. From calm to agitated. There also was a clear shift in her voice, the soft voice she had earlier had disappeared and changed into something else. It was as if there was a cold rage laying underneath. About something that was still fresh in her memory, something that happened recently. She briefly moved her hand over her throat and she painfully clenched her eyes shut. She took a deep breath and continued, but not much more was said by her.

“Either way, I ruined it.”

She leaned forward and slammed the recording to a stop.

-----

The recording started again. Some time seemed to have passed as the lighting on her face came from a different direction.

“So, where was I… she returned, my greatest love. Or, so I thought that she was. After months of silence she showed her face again, back at the Horuset Estate. She won’t even look at me and she deliberately moves away from me to avoid having to look at me. I know that I made mistakes, I am not blind. But this is as much her fault as it is mine. Had she been here, and had she not abandoned me for months, denied me of her love, none of this would have happened.”

Evelyn paused for a few moments, in which she looked down.

“But instead of taking responsibility for her actions, she chooses to hate me. And she made it all too clear when we had a spar today. I convinced her to come, and to my surprise she agreed. Finally, I got her to speak to me. But I wish that she hadn’t. She hates me. I know she does. I guess I hate her too. And my feelings for her are turning me into a fool. It was stupid to think that she ever truly loved me. She never admitted her feelings, because she had no feelings for me, none at all. She always denied them, and I tried to get her to speak of them to me. And when she finally did it was too late already. I was already getting close to him and I wasn’t going to let an opportunity like I was presented with slip for a ghost. Though, perhaps I should have. It would have been better. The lies he made me believe in weren't as good as I thought.”

Evelyn snorted and then she shook her head. She turned her hand into a fist, with a single movement she slammed it onto a table in front of her.

“But regardless. He is weak. She is weak. They both made me weak, that is all they have ever done. Tying myself to Sith like that is foolish. Love.. makes me unfocussed. Blind to seeing what is right in front of me. I know that. Love is weakness. I have no use of it. I must..”

Suddenly, Evelyn raised up her hand and with a wave the recording came to an abrupt end mid sentence.

-----

The next time the holo flickered back to life, the redheaded neophyte was already seen on her feet. Pacing back and forth, in and out of view. For a moment the only sound was that of her feet hitting the ground with every step that she took. She didn’t pause her pace when she began to speak.

“We… spoke. Again. Perhaps there is a possibility of change. She spoke to me about how she felt. It wasn’t… a pleasant conversation. But it was a necessary one, and more of them will have to be had.”

“She found out who it was. I don’t know how, I don’t care. She would have found out either way. I told her that I didn’t love him. And that was true, in a way. Not like I loved her. Every time I was in arms, my mind was set on her. And whenever I looked into his eyes, I wished they were hers. I imagined them to be. It made loving him easier. There was no love at the start, merely physical attraction at most. But yes, I grew to love him, in the end. Another one of my mistakes.”

Evelyn’s voice suddenly sounded harsh. She narrowed her eyes and let out an unamused laugh.

“My first mistake was ever loving her. Not like that weak creature ever even cared for me. How dare she be angry with me while this is all on her? This is her fault! She pushed me away. She left me alone when I needed her. While I cried my eyes out. And then.. with my foolish head I waited for her. I hate her, I kriffing hate her! The fact that I loved her makes me hate her even more. While she NEVER LOVED ME BACK!”

Evelyn’s voice got louder and louder as she spoke. Towards the end she was screaming at the recorder. She stormed out of view, without coming back. A loud sound could be heard in the background, followed by more of the same noise. It sounded like objects falling, or rather the sound of objects being smashed against the ground. Along with it were screams that quickly turned into sobs. The sound continued for five minutes... then ten. In the end it took twenty minutes for the sound to die out.

Evelyn appeared back into view. Her face was calm and composed again, but even on the holo she looked exhausted. Her chest was moving up and down fast while she was breathing rapidly. Her gaze landed on the recorder, and a slightly surprised and shocked look was visible in her eyes. “Kriff, that stupid thing is still on.” Without saying another word she waved with her hand. The holo flickered out.

-----

In the next recording the neophyte was dressed differently. More casually, her armour was gone. She wore a loose fitting dark fabric, almost like a nightgown. And her properly braided hair was now laying over her shoulders, long and curly waves of hair lay down her chest. Even on the holo it was visible that her hair had a soft and shiny glow over it.

The recording itself appeared to be dark. Her face was barely lit, as if it was in the middle of the night. She didn’t speak and one could think that there was no sound attached to the recording. She did not look directly at the recorder, as if she was avoiding it. Her lips were tightly pressed together into a thin line and she clenched her jaws together. The woman moved her hand out of view and it returned shortly after with what appeared to be a wine glass. The dark colour of the wine indicated that it was a red wine. She brought the glass to her mouth and she took a few large sips before she lowered it. Once she was done she placed it out of view where it had been before.

Even then, it took a few moments before there finally was sound. She looked directly at the recorder and right when she did a tear rolled out of the corner of her eye down her cheek. It was barely even visible. When she spoke her voice sounded soft. Broken. Filled with pain.

“I love her, I still love her. I..”

She blinked a few times, trying to get the tears to go away. But they kept coming. She violently shook her head and she clenched her eyes shut. She raised her hand at the recorder, and with a motion of her hand the view changed to what appeared to be the ceiling. She had pushed the recorder over. That was the last thing that was visible when the holo flickered out.

-----

There was more light onto the woman’s face again. Her features were clearly visible once more. With a stern look on her face she looked at the recorder. Her jaws were tightly clenched together and her eyes were slightly narrowed. She seemed to have picked herself back up after the previous recording.

“So. After that display of weakness from my previous entry, I think that there is enough evidence for even a blind one to see that things must change. They can not stay as they are, it is weakening me. Distracting me. And I came to the conclusion that I love her. I don’t think that I ever stopped loving her. But love is not enough.”

She closed her eyes for a moment. Then Evelyn stood up from the chair she usually was seated in when recording these. Once she stood on feet she slowly walked closer. Her head briefly appeared out of view when she got closer to the recorder. Only her torso was visible, giving the viewer a detailed look on her armour that she wore. Small scratches were visible on the metal parts of it - the consequences of battle. She repositioned the recorder, adjusted the height and her face returned in view.

“I was reminded by.. I was reminded that love must have a purpose. Like anything else. We are Sith. Love is a luxury to us, certainly not a necessity. That is what they say at least. But what if it’s different? What if it’s an enrichment? Love is a complicated emotion, different in every situation. If love - if she strengthens me, time and time again. Then it’s something I must use, right?”

She asked the question more to herself than anything else. And it wasn’t as much of a question as it sounded like, it was a statement. “And if she proves to weaken me, if my love for her proves to weaken me, I will know what to do. And when,” she corrected herself, “-if- that moment comes I will do what I must. I will cut her out, cut her down myself. She will not be my weakness. But.. if it doesn’t, then I will use her. I will love her. Wholeheartedly, if she wants me back.”

She paused to let out a deep breath through her nose while she shook her head.

“Anyway, as I said, a decision must be made. I must change the situation I am currently in. I can not linger in the middle forever. It will lead to stagnation. At first I didn’t want to make a decision too quickly, but now I realise that is exactly what is needed. So whatever I decide, it will be for the best. And it will be final. I will not look back.”

With a wave of Evelyn’s hand the recording stopped.

-----

For the last time Evelyn appeared in the recording leaned back into the chair. Once more she had her long braid tossed over her shoulder, and she had a somewhat satisfied look on her face.

“I have made a decision. -We- have made a decision.” Evelyn briefly looked to the side. “We have committed ourselves to each other again. We came to the conclusion that we are stronger together. That being apart limits our potential. And in addition to that… also that we love each other. Frankly, it was that simple. Of course, I will not love blindly. And I hope for her sake that she doesn’t either.

There was a brief moment in which Evelyn inhaled and exhaled deeply through her nose. “That’s it. I don’t have anything else to say. She is mine. And I am hers.”

Evelyn paused and she turned her head to the side again. During her moment of silence she rhythmically tapped with her nails on the armrests of the chair. It was the only sound that was audible, besides… another voice speaking in the background. After a few minutes she abruptly stopped tapping and Evelyn stood up from the chair she sat in. With a simple wave of her hand the holorecorder changed its position. Someone else was visible now as well, a young and light haired woman. Someone Evelyn seemed to be familiar with when she moved to stand besides her, closely. Evelyn looked at the apprentice with a genuine smile on her lips.

The other apprentice spoke.  “May it serve us well…”

Followed by Evelyn shortly after, finishing her sentence. “...until the end of our days.”

The two turned towards each other, Evelyn brought up both her hands towards the woman’s neck to hold her tightly, the light haired woman did the same. When they had pulled each other into an intimate embrace they closed their eyes while they leaned in closer. A lingering kiss between the pair was the last thing visible when the projection flickered out.