"Tave iyutrekyr iv Zia"

[Caffeline]

[The following entries are typed on a datapad with a standard encryption lock. Far more accessible if someone were to steal or look through, though the entries themselves are passcode-protected]

That was something I did not expect. And I cannot approach anyone to ask for advice.

I barely understand why I was offered this choice.

I haven't yet decided. I requested time to consider.

...

The boarding of the Th'Asidra occurred. I knew it was wise to leave my diary hidden in the camp. It is safe and secure against the elements. So...I will have to type here. I can't even use my code. I should try to learn how to create one, but...I just won't have time.

Ri Satwas did not mention the needles. They handed them back to me without a word. But then they interrogated me about what I intend to do with them...and took offense to my answer. Now I am to attend to them during the oncoming days, where I will be tested to see how much I'm able to withstand...

So why did they let the needles through in the first place?

...


Fight.

Try to breathe.

Fight.

Try to eat.

Fight.

Try to close my eyes..

Fight.

Try to breathe.

Fight.

...it won't stop. I can't concentrate. I can hardly think.

He only says five words.

"Acolyte Jadzia. Training pit. Now."

And then..

"We continue in an hour."

I can barely hold my foils anymore. I haven't hurt so much since...Korriban. I think.
I don't know anymore.

He wakes me repeatedly during the night with those five words. Yanks me from the bunk. Drags me if I take too long.

The floor keeps swaying beneath me, keeps falling away from my feet during the fights. I can't fall. I can't fail. He said...endurance training to Ri Wohmonwsirsa. Ever since we left the estates I haven't slept. Haven't rested. I'm frightened.
There is only the mask. The five words. The pain..

The mask haunts me. I'm supposed to practice Tapas, supposed to consider the offer I was freely given... but every time I try, the mask appears. I can't tell if it's real or a nightmare anymore.

My shoulder still hurts from the deslok..disloak.. dislocation. Even trying to use the Force hurts.

Breathing was never this heavy before. I just need...sleep... My mind is...not quite mine anymore. The mask keeps looming over my shoulder in reflections.

Oh no. I can sense him approach-... wait. Did I? I can't have. It's not been an hour yet, I swear it's not been--

If you have time to write, you have time to prepare for war.
Training pit. Now.